Life without Keeley

It has been a rough few months for all of us since Keeley passed away.  It's hard to believe that 5 months have gone by.  When I'm walking Teagan, neighborhood kids still come up to me and ask where Keeley is or why they haven't seen him lately.  They get very serious and sad when I tell them that he died - everyone EVERYONE liked him so much!

Keeley was only 9 years old and the cancer was so sudden;  I really expected to have a lot more time with him.  I still miss him every day and I think Teagan does too.

At first I was really hating on Teagan - for being so simple, just not understanding, and still being alive even.  She was really lost for the first month afterward.  I realized that a few years ago when I thought she suddenly had grown a brain, that I was wrong - she just learned to take all her cues from Keeley.  So without him, she was pretty clueless.  It took her about a whole month to figure out that she had to pay attention to me, what I was doing, and what I was saying.  But she has caught on now.  And she seems a lot smarter, calmer, and more mature now too.  I'm really glad I have her!

At first we stopped taking Teagan to the dog park, because that had always been Keeley's thing.  He was the social butterfly and Teagan pretty much hates all dogs.  But after a few weeks, I started to think that Teagan was acting lonely for other dogs.  So we started going to the dog park again on the weekends.  She still hates most dogs, but I just remind her to "be nice" and she's been doing great.  Especially with puppies and small dogs lately!  Maybe she's trying to tell me that if I get her a little brother she won't instantly kill him?  I think that would be nice but it's going to have to wait a couple more years unfortunately.

We also thought it would be good to keep Teagan with us as much as possible.  But that hasn't worked out so well.  Keeley was the adventurous one.  Teagan loves her crate.  We tried taking Teagan to outdoor restaurants (something Keeley always loved) but it freaked Teagan out.  We tried taking her with us shopping, but she'd freak out when I went into the store even though my mom would be waiting in the car with her so she wasn't alone.  She freaks out whenever I leave her with my mom or brother while I run an errand.  She only feels safe without me when she's in her crate.

Anyhow, life goes on.  I miss my little boy Keeley.  But I'm so glad that I've got Teagan still.

Keeley's last days

 I had Keeley put to sleep on Sunday evening.  He had an aggressive cancer.  The tumor was wrapped around the inside and outside of his jaw bone and up into his ear.  It caused him intense pain to open his mouth.  For the last 6 weeks he had begun using his mouth less and less and the muscles in his head and face were going through atrophy.  I was giving him only soft foods because it was obvious that anything that required chewing hurt him.  In the past 3 weeks he started getting lethargic and antisocial - just not acting like himself.  He stopped barking or even growling.  At first we thought it was myositis, but the blood test results were negative.  Then last Thursday he had an MRI and got the cancer diagnosis.  He went downhill super fast.  He just looked so sad.  There was talk about removing his jaw bone, but to me that sounded barbaric and there would still be the tumor that was in his ear.  So that's why I made the decision to put him to sleep.

I tried to make his last 2 days as nice as possible.  On Saturday we took him to the beach since Keeley always loved the beach.  He did perk up a bit when we started getting close to the lake, but for the most part he just wasn't feeling it.

Then we took him to Dairy Queen.  His eyes did get wide when he saw me get into the car with ice cream, but he never even sat up or anything.

The rest of the day we just lay around and napped together.  He definitely wanted me with him but he looked really sad all day.

Then on Sunday, he woke up feeling pretty good.  He seemed very alert or at least more so than he'd been for the last couple of weeks.  We took him to Lake Park and he loved that.  He was eager to walk all around.  It was the most I'd seen him move all week.

We went on the trail and across bridges and cut across fields.  He wanted to keep going too, but I was worried about him over-doing it.

It was a beautiful day and we just sat and enjoyed it for a while before going to Arby's (another treat for Keeley).

He was feeling so good that when we got home, we went for another walk with Teagan.  He was acting almost like his old self again.  He hung out for a while on the balcony too since he likes to keep an eye on all the goings on.

We took a short nap together on the sectional.  I pet him lots and sang him his puppy song.

And we spent his last hour hanging out together outside.  Weather wise, it was just the kind of day that Keeley liked:  warm but not too warm, with low humidity, and some nice wind blowing right up the driveway bringing all the scents in the neighborhood right to his nose.

Since the day had gone so well, I started having second thoughts, but decided it was best to go out on a good note.  During the work week I wouldn't be able to spend much time with him and he wouldn't be happy with that.  I'm glad I had this last good day with him.  

We went with www.petlossathome.com because I figured Teagan needed to see Keeley to understand it.  But even so, I'm not sure if she really understands.  I guess maybe in her own way she gets it.  I don't know.  Sometimes it seems like she looks for him.  She really depended on him for so much.  I'm worried about her.

And I miss Keeley so much.  I am so completely heartbroken.  He was my baby.  And he was just so so very good.  I can't imagine that another dog could ever compare to him.  Just when I think I'm done crying, something will set me off.  Like, I opened up the dishwasher to put the clean dishes away and I thought that I have way too many doggie dishes now and I started crying.  Or today 4 condolence cards came in the mail.  I read the first 2 and was fine, but I started sniffling at the third, and by the fourth one, I was in tears.

I just picked up his ashes today and I thought that would give me closure, but I was crying again.  I guess that's just how its going to be for a while.  It all just happened so fast and I really expected to have several more years with him.  He was only 9 years old.  He was just the greatest little dog-boy!  And now I don't know what to do with myself - I don't really feel like doing anything.  I'm so lousy at dealing with stuff like this.

Sleeping with dogs

I'm not sure if Keeley knows he's a dog.  He always wants to sleep right next to me with his head on a pillow like a human.  He's only 38 pounds but he sure can hog the bed somehow.

impromptu trip to Lapham Peak

Weekends at the dog park